Monday, March 2, 2009

Diplomacy



Another 12 inches of snow, another day at home. Will the madness never end?

While aimlessly surfing the web this morning, I made my usual online newspaper stops and found this article on America's brilliant plan to open diplomatic relations with Iran -- by sending our actors and directors to soften their hardened, intolerant hearts.

On one hand, this seems like a great idea. We are obviously too distanced at the moment to sit down and talk politics, human rights, and nuclear bombs, so a cultural approach makes some sense. I just don't know how successful this can be when one of the delegates, the director of Field of Dreams, begins his visit by saying, "Today is my birthday, and I cannot think of any other place I wanted to be other than here." He is either a.) lying, or b.) the most desperate and pathetic has-been to be nominated to an "official delegation." Shouldn't we be sending Oliver Stone or Martin Scorsese? Or how about Tim Burton? I can just imagine the conversation:

TB: Um, yeah, we're here to stitch together the jagged, bleeding edges which separate our nations.

MMA: This meeting is over. You insult us with your careless grooming habits and your general demeanor.

Wouldn't it be funny if some sort of serious international incident arose from all of this? Like if Annette Bening got her head sent home in a box? Or if Phil Alden Robinson were to be impaled on a baseball bat? Imagine the ironic possibilities!

If you ask me, we should just settle this by celebrity cagefight. (If I knew any current Iranian actors, I would give a list of contestants here, but on our side, we should definitely include Brangelina, Lindsey Lohan, Philip Seymour Hoffman, and Fat Britney.) If our side wins, they must disarm, stop trying to make H-bombs, and just become nicer people in general; if they win, we'll just bomb the shit out of them anyway ('cuz that's the way we roll, sucka...) and then take over their film industry. But at least we could say we tried.

6 comments:

Beverly Hamilton Wenham said...

Look, I think we should blind them all with American Sunshine. Have a Coke and a smile, heres a Big Mac while your at it. Look over here, have a Britiney. (she our ideal beauty, all blonde and "hey,aw shucks") Just don't look too close at those drug addled, unfocused blue eyes, or you might get sucked into that vacuum. Of course if you prefer we have a Dakota Fanning too for you. She's our smart blonde version, a bit young, but getting sexier every day. Get her before she's spoiled! Now of course you'll need a condo for those DVD's filled with G.E. appliances and a big SUV in the driveway.
Don't worry about the planet, have a Dunkin Donut and a Grande, mocha Vende with extra foam. I say this of course like it's a bad thing, but Damnit! I want it too. I wanna dance to thumping pop music, after a thriller in which dear Dakota, uses her smarts and charm to outwit the evil... whatever it is this time. All while on a sugar buzz and a salt fix. And I wanna get there in a oh so lush,safe dependable car. while talking on my purple cell phone to one of my top five best buddies. Oh and I wanna be clever and skinny too.
I say hamburgers not bombs, and blondes before culture.
Now where did I put my prozac?

Deborah said...

Haha, that's hilarious!

Perhaps those cage fights should take place on neutral grounds - I'm thinking an abandoned oil platform with camera's all over the place. Mr. and Mrs. Smith, Posh and Becks and their Iranian equivalents, chuck 'em all on there, and while we're at it, we could just as well make a whole lot of money out of this construction by making followers pay on the internet to see more of their vile tricks!
All for the good cause, to benefit the peace negotiations, obviously.

Rerun said...

You read the New York Times? I all my news from the Weekly Reader.

I loved the "head in the box" comment about Annette Bening although I'd much rather see Sean Penn's head in there.

Gorilla Bananas said...

Deep down they really love Americans, but that's very deep down. I would get Bruce Willis to grow a thick beard and go there. When he arrives, he slowly shaves it off as they watch, before slapping on aftershave with brutal force. They'd be insulted and impressed at the same time.

Ana said...

Bev: You win the award for longest response to one of my postings. Thank you! While your approach to this situation is far too nice for my taste, it is also more deviously psychological!

Deborah: Thanks for visiting! Yes, why did I not think of Posh and Beckham? We could just keep the cash for ourselves and have one big blogparty!

Rerun: This is why I love you! Weekly Reader?!

GB: Yes, painful, burning whiskers. I like the way you think. I would imagine your own hairy-ness has much to do with this.

EmmaK said...

Wow, yes, a celebrity cagefight. I would certainly pay to see that. Brilliant idea!